Life’s a lilo


Lilo Lil about to put this guidance into practice

It’s taken me more years than I care to reveal to master the art of getting on a lilo without falling straight off, but I believe I have now got to grips with the means of doing so successfully.

A pre-requisite for this accomplishment, however, is the convenient placement of a shallow spot in the water where one might place one’s feet on terra firma in order to perform the mounting.

  1. Place your feet firmly on the ground, and stand with your legs well apart.
  2. Pull the foot end of the inflated lilo forward through your parted legs (a degree of force will be required to complete this successfully).
  3. You need to pull through just over a quarter of the length of the lilo. Just ignore what the pillow end is doing (that’s not important right now).
  4. Now make sure the foot end of the lilo is aligned with a real or imaginary horizon. NB: Disaster will ensue if this is not effected at this point. Guaranteed.
  5. Once you are content with the foot alignment, sit down gently onto the lilo, releasing your feet from (ooh err!) terra firma.
  6. You should now be floating, complete with lilo, on the water. Next comes the tricky bit!
  7. Slowly raise one knee out of the water, extending the foot as required in order to get it onto the surface of the lilo. At this point you may need to provide counterbalance by extending the diametrically-opposed arm and waving it frantically.
  8. If you have not failed abysmally with the previous stage, it is now time to raise the second leg. Repeat the last process again, paying particular attention this time to balance. If you manage to get your second leg horizontal, you can proceed to the next stage.
  9. You’re almost there! Now gently lie back onto the lilo, using your pinioned feed to keep the lilo in the correct alignment, until your head rests on the lilo’s pillow.
  10. Mission accomplished!

Further tips for enhanced enjoyment of the lilo

If your head does not land on the pillow at stage 9, then considered calibration at stage 2 will achieve results eventually.

Once fully mounted, to get underway use your arms to perform a backstroke motion. Do not be tempted to use your feet for movement purposes, otherwise you’ll be in the drink.

If you wish to lie face down on the lilo, at stage 2 the pillow (rather than foot) end of the lilo should be pulled backwards through your parted legs until approximately 75% of the lilo’s length is ahead of you. Repeat the remainder of the process and you should be able to get underway as before. Use the front crawl to travel forward, and reverse doggy paddle under the lilo (if your arms can reach) to go astern.

Please lilo responsibly

  • For best (and safest) results, operate your lilo in a swimming pool or an open water enclosure with booms.
  • Do not attempt to operate your lilo in international waters. You do not have navigation lights and will likely be mown down by the Queen Mary 2 (which has a stronger claim to being a cruise line than you on your lilo will ever manage).
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