I’m off to Barbados first thing on Thursday morning. I’m all set for the airport rigmarole. Well, as prepared as I’ll ever be!
By arriving earlier I will stand a much better chance of getting a decent seat under one of the more desirable CCTV cameras. I’ve done a bit of advance research into which are the cameras with the less blurry image. Having established my base for waiting for my delayed or cancelled flight, I will defend it from other travellers trying to invade my space.
I’ll be going to the airport armed with some “Police Incident: Do Not Cross” tape. I picked it up on the Reading relief road this afternoon.
As I’m rather ticklish, I shall be wearing extra thick clothes for the inevitable body searches, and I’ll have some doggie chocolate drops to help make friends with the sniffer Alsatians.
One of my favouritest games whilst waiting at an airport is to count of the number of times the word “apologise” is used on the public-address system. The all-comers record at London Gatwick (where I’m flying from) is 267 “apologises” in three hours.
Of course I won’t be able to get anything to eat at the airport. This is because the essential catering staff won’t have been able to get to work because of police road blocks. So I’m taking some snacks with me. But I won’t make the mistake of taking egg or tomato sandwiches to the airport, because the contents tend to fall out during the frequent sandwich inspections by security staff.
I won’t be taking any drinks though. It is never advisable to use the airport lavatories during your stay. This is because they are all occupied by suspicious looking characters lurking near the hot-air hand-driers. I understand that security experts say all users of public toilet facilities are viewed as likely terrorists.
I’m a bit reluctant to take my camera with me as it will almost certainly be confiscated at the airport for “reasons of security management.” This just means that the flash could startle one of those police officers wearing a bullet-proof waistcoat and carrying a sub-machine gun.
I’m not especially bothered about having a photographic record of my airport stay; I know I will be preserved for posterity (or at least a good long time) on the CCTV footage and probably also be filmed by a TV news programme.
In fact, if I’m really lucky, I could be interviewed for the BBC News channel by that very nice young girl who is their Chief “Airport Misery” Correspondent.