Christmas shopping ideas (pt 2)

Here’s the promised sequel to my recent posting about ideas for Christmas presents for that hard-to-buy-for person in your life:

Why not buy your loved one a seven-day intensive course in tweeting? Chewton Glen Hotel & Spa, in the New Forest, now combines these advanced Twitter classes with its health and fitness regimes, so he/she can learn the art and etiquette of tweeting from the comfort of his/her mud bath. Learn to tweet in Spanish and French. At the end he/she gts a beautfl inscrbd dplma on prchmnt. The cst=£5.2k 4 the wk. Non-veg opt avail.

The must-have executive toy this year is the Hume Patented Paperclip Straightener. Simply place the paperclip in the elegant box, covered in hand-tooled leather, and, after 30 second it pops out perfectly straight. It can take 100 paperclips at a time.

Also, for the man in your life, the Pezholio Enlarger. This is a special magnifying glass for reading his tabloid/compact newspaper and making it appear to be broadsheet.

Malvern woman now carries a neat pearl-handled tranquiliser dart gun in her handbag at all times. She knows that, if an enraged bull bursts out of John Lewis and comes charging towards her, she will be able to fell it at 20 paces. Also works on elephants requiring surgery. The Williams Ladies’ Dinky Tranquilizette is available by mail order at £149.99, including p&p.

Why not give your ever-lovin’ guy “Slurp on a Rope” and keep him happy in the shower for hours? This ingenious gift consists of the traditional soap on a rope, but with a brandy flask inside, so he can tipple while he lathers. Also available in Bailey’s and Advocaat. On sale in the off-licence section of most branches of Boots, price £18.99.

Do you ever find yourself, at the end of a dinner party, longing to leave but unable to communicate the fact to your partner, who is chattering away at the other end of the table? This is your answer – the Bijou Distress Flare. The size of a cigarette lighter, it fires coloured lights into the air. Choice of orange or green flares. Explosions optional. If this does not attract your partner’s attention, you could always shoot him with your Ladies’ Dinky Tranquilizette.

Has your man got a mini Armani jacket for his iPhone?

If you want to give a friend a present for the house, the Wind Chimes Boxed Set CD gives hours of soothing wind chime sounds from varying wind strengths. The last track on the fourth CD is entitled Chimes in a Hurricane and in the background, behind the tinkling, you can actually hear the noise of a roof being torn off. A great conversation piece.

For the person who says he/she wants “something useful” the solution is the Conran Reminder. This beautifully finished maple wood tray with silver rods holding different-sized coloured balls, with fine wires stretched between them, can be placed on a table or a shelf and it reminds you to go and have a look round the Conran shop some time. Special offer price: £707.

The Gentleman’s Garlic Room Spray, in the form of a fountain pen, is the perfect stocking filler. Two bursts and it neutralises the un-pleasing niff of scented candles at Christmas time.

Don’t forget the Cosmetic Surgery Vouchers.

Presents for the kitchen

The Personalised Brillo Pad Container stops your scourer making rusty marks on your work surfaces. Send your photograph to the manufacturers and it will be printed on the container. Or you can have it decorated with a Lord of the Rings motif . . . Or, having a problem with things dropping off the fridge door? Get a Fridge Magnet Re-Charger. Simply plug it in and leave the magnets in it for three days.

The Mini Kitchen Camcorder allows your boyfriend to film himself successfully getting the top off the marmalade jar, so he can keep the evidence for posterity.

Have you thought of cranberry tongs?

Following a fascinating first visit to a YO! Sushi recently, this year I am buying my housemate the brilliant Lotus Garden Telescope, a snip at £90. This ingenious device is a telescope, disguised as a chopstick, which will enable her to see what other people are having to eat at even the most distant tables in a sushi bar. There is also a Chinese restaurant model.

Merry shopping to one and all!

9 thoughts on “Christmas shopping ideas (pt 2)

  1. Pingback: Silent knight, stay calm but bright « John Fox (X333XXX)

  2. There are two schools of thought on the use of tranquilising darts on husbands. One is as per landladyland, the other is, that what we really really need is the exact opposite, an energising activating gun.
    I should think the sound of a roof being torn off might very suddenly interfere with the tinkling Mister Fourex😆

  3. Hi John,

    You asked to be kept up to date regarding my upcoming book, but your BT email auto-reply suggested I leave a message on your website. So hope you don’t mind, but here it is…

    I was emailing just to let you know that ‘The Natural Navigator’ book is now available for pre-order on Amazon with a 25% discount, price guarantee and free UK delivery.

    All the best,


  4. I think the tranquillising dart gun would be useful on so many ,many occasions, especially in relation to husbands… 😆

  5. Really Mr 4x ,what would we do without you. At this time of year ,for those of us who haven’t brought their pressie,you have given us all ,lovely ideas 😆

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