Stumped for Christmas present ideas for your wife or girlfriend? Well I’ve got a few ideas for you to ponder.
My new adopt-an-offshore-wind-turbine scheme means that she can have her very own piece of Britain’s new clean energy.
When you adopt a turbine on her behalf she gets a certificate (on recycled paper, naturally) to say it is hers, she is allowed to name it and she receives an annual letter from it, telling her how it has been getting on, how many gigawatts it has generated and reporting on interesting mechanical faults it has suffered.
You can pick the location for her adopted wind turbine – maybe a particular area of unspoiled coastline which has romantic associations for you both. Imagine the pleasure she will get from choosing the colour scheme for painting her very own turbine and planning boat trips to visit it on its birthday.
And she also gets to use “her” lovely clean electricity absolutely free. That means she is entitled to the equivalent of five electric kettles of boiling water every year. What a wonderful excuse for a party! Invite the friends and neighbours round to watch the kettle boil, using her special electricity.
It goes without saying that this will make a wonderful conversation piece when the topic is climate change. (When isn’t it?) And on wet and windy days she’ll say: “My turbine will be enjoying this. His name is Turby and he’s forget-me-not blue. Would you like to see a photo of him?”
You’ll also be accepted in all the smartest environmental circles; Jonathon Porritt will say “Call me Johnny”, and she’ll be able to drop in unannounced on Al Gore.
Need more ideas? How about this year’s must-have pet: the Mongolian jerboa. This will enchant the lady in your life.
As an endangered species, the white rhino is so 2008, the giant bronze gecko is disappointingly uncuddly and the Ecuadorian lava cactus doesn’t really “do” much, but the lovely thing about the Mongolian jerboa is that it manages to be threatened without being too miserable about it.
They are affectionate creatures and they are ideal if you want to get out the old camcorder and make a wildlife film in your own front room. Order your Mongolian jerboa today and you get a free copy of the booklet, Learn Hushed Commentary Technique The Attenborough Way.
And when your lady shows up to that New Year’s Eve party with her Mongolian jerboa tucked under her arm, she is bound to get envious looks from all her chihuahua-owning friends. Hurry, while stocks last!
Is there someone in your family who is football crazy? Surprise him or her by making them England manager. You only need to bung the FA a couple of million to secure this once-in-a-lifetime experience for a loved one.
The job comes with a smart, weatherproof coat (with stylishly upturned collar) for wearing as you patrol the touchline making angry and despairing gestures. You also get as much free chewing gum as you can handle.
Buy this present and it could be your boyfriend or girlfriend giving that press conference and saying it got better in the second half and he (or she) was disappointed for the lads.
Why not give your son or daughter the precious gift of sporting immortality? Watch their little faces light up on Christmas morning as they open the envelope and read the letter informing them that they have sponsored one centimetre of the running track for London 2012 or, even better, a handful of sand for the long jump pit.
This means that, in less than three years’ time, the backsides of some of the world’s greatest athletes will be landing in sand part-owned by your child. Sealed bids (minimum of £6m) should be sent to Tessa Jowell.
I know some people like to receive jokey surprise presents at Christmas. So what can you give the man who already has a whoopee cushion? Why not secretly install hidden CCTV cameras in his house? Then watch his face when you invite him round to view the footage!