Well, good day to you all. This is old Seth Throttle writing to you from the lovely old village of Nether-cum-Retro. It’s been a funny old autumn so far and that’s a fact. Did you hear that the countryside nowadays is overrun by rock stars, bankers, actresses and models.
I heard all about it in The Three Jolly Aromatherapists when I popped in for my usual lunchtime cup of celeriac froth. Old Smiler Watkins told me. Old Smiler is my style icon, on account of his Manolo Blahnik wellies which he won in the Lammastide raffle at the poodle parlour.
Anyhow, Old Smiler got the latest celebrity village gossip from Mrs Parkin who runs the village Topshop. Everyone goes to Topshop for a bit of a gossip and Mrs Parkin has all the parish pump news, like which local rock star has split from his group to go solo, or what the Dow Jones index has been up to lately.
Now, what else can I tell you has been happening in our little village? Well, there’s been a terrible plague of gameshow hosts lately. I spotted one on Thursday last, up by Ungaro’s helipad, then two days later I flushed out a pair of them in Naomi’s Wood; Mrs Parkin said there’s a flock of them down by Lagerfeld marshes. She can hear them howling in the night.
We have an old saying round these parts: if you get a glut of gameshow hosts at the end of October it means that the Winter Collections are going to be late. You may scoff, but it’s amazing how many of these old sayings turn out to be true. There’s another one I learnt as a child: if the cob nuts are ripe ere Michaelmas ’tis as sure as eggs that hemlines will be shorter and aubergine will be the new black.
There are some country cures as well, for sure. Old Smiler swears that you can make warts disappear if you just rub them with a white truffle. I say caviar works just as good.
So, what’s the other news? Mrs Parkin says that Mr Worthington who lives down at Pig’s Bottom has still got his writer’s block, ever since the film deal fell through. And we’re all invited up to the Big House next Tuesday for a celebration, because the squire’s got a new album coming out.
On Sunday at morning service in church the vicar will be reading out the announcement that the actress and the Channel 4 executive who live at the Old Forge have decided to go their separate ways but will remain good friends.
Sadly, the village Ladies’ Tug of War Team will not be entering the All Hampshire Championships next summer, for the 12th year running, because none of our supermodels has the strength to pick up the rope. Never mind though, we have a record entry for the Best Kept Fingernails Competition. And in next year’s Church Fete we’re expecting old Smiler to win the Bowling for the Ferrari contest.
People often ask me if I have seen many changes in village life. It’s hard to say really. I sometimes think maybe the couture is not as haute as it used to be, but that’s probably just when I’m in a bad mood. Fashions alter, of course. One year it’s the peasant look and the next it’s all angular shapes and big shoulders.
The young people can be a problem. The trouble is, there’s not so many boutiques in the village as in my young days so they get bored and they hang around on the corner outside the delicatessen or go into the organic shop and squeeze squashes. We need more places like Topshop where they can go and try on clothes all day. It’s hard for them when the nearest Accessorize is 13 minutes away by Range Rover.
Still, I mustn’t grumble. When life seems hard I always remember the words of my dear old granny – “Does my bum look big in this?” And it did.