To avoid disappointment, I am publishing a list of some of the main naked events you may wish to join in this summer (if the weather improves).
In the first week in August, as part of the fringe of the Caudle Green Literary Festival, you are invited to take part in the “Garden of Eden Experience”. There will be two Temptations a day, three on Saturday. Admission £7. OAPs half price. Bring your own fruit. The organisers assure me that no serpents will be harmed.
The annual mass freefall naked parachute drop to raise money for the Bikes for Botswana Appeal will be on August 19 in the Wymondham area. First-time plummeters are welcome to take part.
Motoring organisations will be issuing warnings on the day and scheduled flights will be diverted. Anyone who still needs counselling after witnessing last year’s drop (or being landed on) should send an sae to the organising secretary.
The Friends of Cellulite are holding their Nude Fun Day Out in Stornoway next week. Clay pigeon shooting, pony rides, face-painting, white elephant stall. Sadly the Hog Roast has had to be cancelled because of difficulties with the insurers. The organisers say: “Candy floss, in moderation, has been sanctioned, but, as far as hot dogs are concerned, negotiations are still ongoing.”
The Association of Welsh Naturist Stamp Collectors is holding an open day next month in Merthyr Tydfil. Raffle for Penny Black. Bring your own tweezers.
There is a chance to join in a naked demo in September as people gather in Taunton to protest about the inadequacy of the changing facilities at the local swimming baths. Do your bit to make an impact as the demonstration ends with a mass belly-flop. Goggles permitted. Disco in the evening.
The owners of the venue for last year’s Nude Calendar Extravaganza have apologised to the organisers for a double-booking which meant that a medieval jousting pageant was taking place on the same field on the same day.
The knight who was injured, falling on his own lance when his horse panicked, has thanked members of the Nude Calendar Society for their messages of sympathy and reports that he is up and about again and has taken up nude bee-keeping.
By the way, this year’s Nude Calendar Extravaganza will feature the launch of a controversial fully-clothed calendar for 2010 made for charity by the Bridport branch of the Townswomen’s Guild. This is likely to lead to an angry nude walk-out by some purists in the society. Or angry nude sit-in, if wet.
The annual awards ceremony for the “Tatties” will take place in Inverness in November. This is the coveted prize for the World’s Most Embarrassing Tattoo. The judges award points for the ingenuity of the location and also for the naffness of design.
Entry forms must be sent in by the end of this week. Please specify if you are entering in the flower, insect or reptile category. Experts say the reign of the small butterfly on the left buttock is definitely over and they are expecting some truly cringe-making entries this year. Interval entertainment will be provided by the Northern Constabulary’s Nude Police Motorbike Formation Team and there will be a display by clipped police Alsatians.
Members of Starkers, the loose confederation of groups of people who jump naked into icy ponds and rivers throughout December, have become increasingly alarmed about the threat of global warming to their traditional way of life. They are organising a march next Tuesday from Newcastle to Carlisle to raise awareness of climate change. Bring a packed lunch, sensible shoes – and suitable rainwear.