This is your unique opportunity to enter my exciting new competition to win a luxury pandemic jab for two!!!
You, too, could join the exclusive set whose members are getting a pandemic vaccine as a priority.
If you are the lucky winner, you and your partner will be picked up from your home, then be taken to meet one of the big stars of the TV series ER before being given your jabs by one of the country’s leading general practitioners. Afterwards, you will be whisked by limousine to a luxury hotel for a ten-minute sit-down to recover. You will also receive a special souvenir ribbon to tie round your sore upper arm.
There are a host of fabulous prizes for the runners-up, including a lifetime’s supply of Lemsip, 100 Vivienne Westwood hot water bottles and loads of paracetamol tablets.
All you have to do is answer these simple questions:
1. Place the following in order of seriousness: pandemic; “a lot of it about”; scourge; plague; pestilence.
2. Which of these is not a flu vaccine? Hazchem; Tamiflu; More4; Vodafone; Ofcom.
3. Spot the rogue postcode from: HS2 9DU; ZE3 OPS; H1N1; DT2 0EQ.
4. We have had Spanish flu, Asian flu and Hong Kong flu. Give the date of the last major outbreak of Welsh flu. Describe the symptoms of Cornish flu.
5. Can psittacosis be passed from Gloucester Old Spot pigs to Tamworths?
6. Is it possible to get inoculated against birdwatching? What precautions should you take if you come into contact with Bill Oddie?
7. To what extent was the Black Death “got up” by the medieval media? And just how “great” was the Great Plague, actually?
8. What is the capital of Switzerland? Is it Pfizer, Roche, AstraZenica or GlaxoSmithKline?
9. “Feed a fever and starve a cold.” Or is it the other way round?
10. Name the bug that was caught by all the participants in the 1999 summit meeting of health ministers in Luxembourg. What germ is carried in rotation by the health ministers of the member states?
11. Just how contagious is the United Nations?
12. Name the inventor of the surgical mask. What infectious disease did he die of?
13. Which one of the following can not be transmitted from animals to humans? Swine flu; distemper; brucellosis; myxomatosis; sheep rot; hard pad.
14. Can viruses be passed on from computers to nerds?
15. Which of these should penguins be more anxious about: a) bird flu, or b) global warming?
16. In Greek mythology, the ancient king Kleenex had five sons. They included Sinus, Hedex, Strepsil and Imodium. What was the name of the fifth son, whose sneeze was so powerful that it sank his father’s fleet of warships?
17. Place in reverse order of deserving sympathy – indisposed, poorly, shivery, funny, off colour, as well as can be expected, a bit queer, under the weather, seedy, achy, discombobulated.
18. Discuss the following statement: “A man gets swine flu; a woman gets a heavy cold.”
Send in your answers so that they arrive by first post on the last day of quarantine. All the correct entries will be put together and the lucky winner will be picked out of a hat, using a pair of sterilised tongs.